When I turn sixteen, I fall in love with a boy who only knows how to choke and kill. He tells me that I should burn myself from inside out to prove that I would tear down the world for him, then leaves with a girl with legs built from diamond mines. For years after, I hold jewels between my teeth and pray to be beautiful.
My best friend leaves for a girl who keeps her sides stitched together well – “the sky is always falling where you are,” she says. “I am tired of the hurricane.” I am tired of the hurricane too, I want to say, but when I reach for calm skies, they whip into a frenzy at my touch and rip holes into my bones. This is not Oz, this is Armageddon.
I fall asleep on the bathroom floor and I’m sorry and I thought the white flush of porcelain would make me pretty and I’m sorry and I wanted to kiss something but it ended with teeth and I’m sorry and I want to die and I’m sorry and I’m sorry and I’m sorry.
I tell my parents about the storm, one night when I feel his hands crawl up my sides and split my seams apart. With my head tucked under my father’s chin, I say they made me wrong and God’s gunning for me now. My mother braids the licks of hair behind my ear and says I am her baby – I will be okay.
I am okay. I kiss my wrists and leave the blades unbloodied. It’s been a year since the last scar healed and I am okay. Sometimes life is a car wreck, but I’ve got hands meant for surviving. I can love myself without the fear now, no bathroom floors or half-starved nights, licking love from all the old wounds I used to cover, and I am okay. I do not need boys with cigarettes strangled between their teeth or girls with nails like knives, I can hold myself hard enough to crack ribs and convince my bones that I’m beautiful, and I am okay. I miss my father’s arms, and my mother’s mouth, but they taught me to love myself before they left. I do not have to be a hurricane. I do not have to be a hurricane. I am okay.”—Love Song of a Sad Girl |d.a.s (via loveandpalmtrees)
“1. Kiss that cute boy at the party, but push him away as soon as he puts his hand up your skirt
2. Smoke a cigarette for the first time, and make it your last
3. Don’t straighten your hair for a week, see how many compliments you get
4. Blast your favourite song even when your mum has told you off for playing it too loudly. Enjoy those 3 minutes of pure happiness before she pulls the plug out.
5. Say yes to going out, you’ll have something to tell your grandchildren about
6. Paint a sun on a rainy day, then stick it to the window
7. Eat the cupcake, you have better things to worry about than those 300 calories
8. Do yoga and meditate as often as possible
9. Stand up for yourself. Someone called you a slut? Someone said you are ugly? Someone said your art work was boring and dull? That is your cue to fucking stand up for yourself and make them speechless
10. Don’t respond to a group of males whistling at you. You’re a human being, not a fucking dog
11. Leave your headphones at home, see how much you are missing out on because you’re always lost in your own thoughts
12. Carry hand sanitizer and bandaids in your purse
13. Wear sexy underwear, loads of leather, a fur coat, heels and purple lipstick. Do it for yourself, not for the hot guy next door.
14. If you’re having a bad day, cry, scream, punch a pillow, throw stuff around. Then you pick up the mess, including yourself and get back up.
15. Smile, be polite and get on peoples good sides for starters
16. Stop waiting for your crush, stop dressing up for the bar man that serves you a free drink or staying extra hours at work for your boss. Stop impressing these dickheads and start impressing yourself.
17. Laugh until you cry, and when the girl sitting next to you in class tells you to shut up, laugh even louder.
18. Do whatever feels right in the moment, laugh, cringe and regret it later. Repeat.”—insical (via insical)